Two snakes are slithering around one day. One snake suddenly stops and turns to the other. "Are we poisonous?" he asks. "No, why?" replies the other. The first snake says, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy and pick out a box of tampons. The man at the checkout counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," he replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replies, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you can swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, youve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. Im off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "Ill keep you happy, and youll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ships captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "Hes taking me to Europe, and hes screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find No Trespassing signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, Ive hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here." The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "Ill make you a deal. Weve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but weve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, Ill let you hunt on my property." Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard wont let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "Im going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Lets get the hell out of here!"
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